The Wrong Address index
Tyrell Street, Newcastle 1984
Signed in peeling paint
The Resident's Committee forbids
Children to play in this courtyard
For the hopelessly hopefully upwardly mobile.
Through the brick backsides of respectable apartments
Burghers burble and fart discretely
While cockroaches make off
With vestiges from better days;
Seventy-five a week said the lease,
Balcony, w dash w carpets, parking underneath.
Extra. A kind of toy(-)room,
Always handy sir,
Frosted window to the courtyard without games
Looked my only source of handy cash.
Strapped for respectability
I cunningly inserted a three-foot bed
And slipped an ad' in the local rag.
The prospectives came, sniffed my ambience
Sipped coffee with furtive tongues, fled
Refusing to be miniaturized,
Until a bargain basement lady
Acquiver with chiffon and anxious chins,
Expired with the certainty of ownership
Into a charity shop's chair-bargain-of-the-week,
And cut a deal for twenty-five.
From the beach-head of toyland the lady laid seige;
Two pairs of panties, pale green and generous pink, flew
In daily rotation from the shower rose.
I put a telescope to the blind eye of intuition
And settled for a strategic retreat
Behind the literal bones of our contract.
Fair's fair in black and white
But every lady has a heart for someone
Out there in the blue, with a shoeshine and a smile.
She ran an ad' (Monday bargain rates)
Ring Patty, friend wanted for good times -
And the Johnnies came rollin' in.
Tough choices for a quiet life;
Electric pulses of heavy breathing, the sudden click,
My male voice zapping their erotic dreams.
So at last, catching capacious Patty
Between playland and the kitchen,
I tried to cut second deal :
We march to different drums dear lady,
Find another house, flat, street corner,
Railway waiting room,
And I'll deliver you free of charge -
Bags, shoes, body and pink panties all complete.
Done, she said, for two day's refund on the rent.
These days I'm respectable, and short of cash.
There is a room to let;
The ad' runs every week, like an echo
From hopelessly hopefully better days to come :
Quiet guy for flat; stylish, carpets,
© copyright Thorold May 1995 All Rights Reserved
published by The Plain & Fancy Language Company ACN 1116240S Sydney, Australia
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