Thor's China Diary

Goodies & Baddies

@13 April 2000

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I have been rolling on the floor with mirth this afternoon. To stay awake marking endless student assignments, I turned on the TV. What comes up but some 1970s James Bond thriller. All the classic ingredients -- 007 himself with the Elvis Presley hairdo, but ever so British; the beautiful icelady Russian spy mistress (a colonel of course) with her brutish assistants, and, wait for it, the REAL baddies, the devious, clever Chinese. Well you see, 007 finds himself helping the dumb Russians to stay alive in spite of themselves (we of the loudly proclaimed Free World are/were trying on "détente" after all), and struggling against the greater enemy.

The greater enemy were making wonderful little exploding cigarette lighters that happened to also work as miniature cameras. They sent letters that went poof to blow you away. These clever Chinese were working in fact with Swiss precision in a Swiss monastery to take over the world and introduce the oppressed billions to the enlightened tenets of Maoist Communist paradise.

Now here's the really good bit. 007 comes to front the enemy, gets dropped down a well, and then picked up at gunpoint by the cool as cold noodles Chinese commander, who proceeds to explain his whole operation. He does this so that 007 will die with a respectful knowledge of Chinese cleverness. James Bond's icelady Russian colonel has also fallen into the same trap. Oh dear, the clever Chinese are winning.

What happens? Well folks, it is 6pm. I am in central China, and things are done proper. The film stops. Enter a rock music program. And that is how China won World War III.

"Goodies & Baddies" copyrighted to Thor May 2000; all rights reserved
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